I just moved all my stuff into the new apartment – woah.
Like, you have no idea how much stuff you have until you actually have to go through every single thing.
But so worth it because I ended up completely detoxing my closet which I would never do unless I like.. had to.
I got rid of SO MANY clothes, shoes, bags, etc. that I don’t use or wear.
I did this thing where if I haven’t worn it in the past year, I got rid of it.
VERY HARD. I’m really really bad at saying bye to things. Even shirts ( huge sigh ).
But honestly I felt better after. Like anything, right?
ANYWAY. I have been super busy so I didn’t really eat that great this past week.
Honestly, I didn’t eat much at all. And when I did, it was like a shitty snack or something.
Then today, I finally ate two meals ( not as much I should be eating ) and it bloated the ever living shit out of me.
I obviously got upset about it because I felt so gross and was exhausted ( you know how that goes ) so for one split second I thought out loud “you shouldn’t have eaten that last meal.”
Hold the fuck on.
It brought me back to a few years ago when I used to do this on the regular.
Not so much because I was busy. But because I liked the feeling of not being full.
I don’t even want to say I liked not being full – I think it’s better phrased as I liked feeling empty, basically.
Sounds verrrrry very wrong. I know.
I had so much anxiety when I was away at college and living in NYC that it completely took over my life.
I used to have this fear ( some days I honestly still do ) about throwing up.
It’s the weirdest thing ever, I’ll talk about it more another day. But it’s a legit thing. And it fucking sucks.
( For real I promise I’ll get into that phobia and how I overcome it still. )
Being away from my family brought this anxiety out so much more that I never ate when I was living in NYC.
I ended up losing about 15-20 pounds ( that I didn’t have to lose ).
I fed off of the feeling of people saying “you look so skinny” or even “are you sick?” because I knew it had something to do with the weight.
It made me enjoy the feeling of not eating.
I wouldn’t say I “starved myself” because I would snack, for sure. But I definitely did not eat how I was supposed to, or a lot at all. A snack would be like a banana with peanut butter and then I’d wait until dinner to eat a rice cake with peanut butter.
I went through JARSSS of peanut butter.
Honestly, it’s all I really felt comfortable eating.
I knew I wouldn’t gain weight by continuing to do what I was doing, so I continued.
And then it became more than just a fear of throwing up. It became an issue.
I WASN’T, AT ALL.
My headaches were outrageous. My anxiety got worse. My stomach constantly hurt. I couldn’t enjoy going out to dinner with friends or family. I couldn’t even have a glass of wine without feeling sick.
It completely, full on, 110% took over my life.
I let a fear take over my mind, turn my anxiety into a real problem, and fed off of it.
It was SO twisted how it all panned out – but, it did.
I’m writing this because I understand the feeling of not wanting to eat and the struggles of getting addicted to a feeling and anxiety. It’s hard and it really really sucks.
I tried explaining it out loud the other day like this: when I don’t eat right or good and I get on that kick of sticking to toast with peanut butter for months straight, I have the anxiety about throwing up more than I do when I actually eat full meals that are healthy and right for my body.
When I graduated from college I completely changed what I was doing.
I started eating meals that had what my body needed.
I gained some of the weight back plus my anxiety got ten times better.
The feeling of being hungry and my body being deficient in so many things made my anxiety sky rocket.
I started to realize this. FINALLY.
The thing is, it was a really slow process. It didn’t happen over night.
HOW I OVERCAME MY FEAR THAT TURNED INTO A PROBLEM:
+ I talked about it
It helped me more than I thought it would. Leaving it in only made me want to continue with it more because I would get in my own head and tell myself that what I was doing and feeling was right.
I personally talked to my mom because this really helped me – but going to talk to a professional is never, ever anything to be ashamed of.
+ I eat when I’m hungry
I stopped getting mad at myself for eating. If my body is hungry, I eat. Always. That’s just how it goes now. I always make sure I’m fitting meals into my daily routine – and if I don’t have time then I do smoothies with protein in them (if you follow along on SNAP then you know already.. like I basically want to stick the NutriBullet into my purse..).
+ I learned my body ( YOGA ) and distinguished between anxiety and something else
When I’m anxious, it goes to my stomach and I stop eating for the day. I learned where my anxiety stems from, when my stomach ache is a nervous stomach ache or I’m just hungry, and just really started to listen to my body.
I do yoga at home once a week – it helps me learn my own body ( as weird as that sounds ). It has been huge with reducing my anxiety.
+ I gave myself positive reinforcement
This is huge. Like I said up there – I got mad at myself for eating a meal and said I shouldn’t have eaten it.
I now catch myself and turn it around. I basically ( out loud ) just tell myself it was good that I ate today and my body needed it, all of those nutrients it’s lacking when I don’t eat right.
No lie – I say these things out loud. I pep talk myself. YUP.
It really really really helps. I can’t express this enough.
Your own mind will get the best of you – turn your thoughts into good ones.
+ I stopped weighing myself daily
If you are like me and want to weigh yourself constantly.. stop.
I used to want to weigh myself every single day to make sure it wasn’t going up at all.. ever.
All it did was make me NOT want to eat.
I rarely weigh myself now, because of what I used to do in the past.
Sometimes, gaining weight isn’t a bad thing. And I couldn’t get myself to realize that until I walked away from constantly checking it.
Trying to make a change is never easy. It takes a lot of patience and time.
None of this came easy to me, but it helped me more than I can explain.
All of these things helped reduce my anxiety in general ( I obviously still deal with it at some points but that’s for another day ).
I’ve never been happier, healthier, or more alive.. THAT QUOTE.
“go where you feel the most alive”
My energy is so.much.better.
I let something get into my head and took it way too far, and I think it’s important to talk about it.
It is never easy being completely out there and fully honest for people, so I hope you understand where this post came from.
If you got anything out of it – I’m so so glad! I’ll talk more about the throwing up phobia one day – it’s something to really dig into.
The anxiety WAS REAL with that.
If you have any other tips and tricks, as always, comment comment. I love the advice you give me!
You guys are awesome, happy monday – chat later this week!